Poetry (c) Kris Jordan 2016
I fell in love with distraction.
Grapes that were too sweet, limes that were too sour
bitter fortunes, salty tears.
Looking to fill an insatiable void
I stuffed my mouth full
which only allowed me to not speak
to not feel
to not know myself as deeply as I long to be known.
And discovered only that in knowing those feelings
the depth of my depravity-
only my truth
can fill the hole.
I feel like I’ve struggled with emotional overeating for most of my life. Food has become part of my soothing. It is something I turn to in order to calm down, to silence my anxiety. As the poem begins, there is this sense that my aliveness comes from these emotional sensations derived from food. Food is my pleasure and also my pain. Food is too much.
Recently I have learned just what a distraction overeating is for me. It distracts me from feeling faith with a Higher Power who is working things out. It distracts me from my true feelings, which keeps me from sharing them, rather, I push them down where they remain un-acknowledged. What am I really pushing down? Upon reflection, I think it is the belief that maybe I am too much.
I’m too much work. I’m too big. I’m a bother.
With these beliefs comes the idea that I am not worth love. I am not worth attention. I am not worth the effort. These have translated and manifested in me lacking my own self care.
I have been adding “lose weight”, in some form, to my goal list- whether new years, mid-year, mid-day, etc., for ever. I have lost weight and gained weight. I have eaten “the right foods” as well as not. I have read, I have listened, I have joined programs and support groups. Clearly, I have not been ready to release weight. But, I feel I get closer all the time. I get closer with every new awareness. Every time I let myself feel my feelings and inhabit my body, I get closer.
This year, I’d like to unlock more of what drives my addiction to food. I’d love to hear what strategies you have used to combat this cycle. How do you really, truly care for yourself rather than ask food to do it for you? Feel free to private message me your answer.
If you struggle with emotional overeating, I pray for you, and request the same. Let’s lift eachother up to create hope and connection for another day.