Distraction, Poem by Kris Jordan

Distraction

Poetry (c) Kris Jordan 2016

I fell in love with distraction.

Grapes that were too sweet, limes that were too sour

bitter fortunes, salty tears.

Looking to fill an insatiable void

I stuffed my mouth full

which only allowed me to not speak

to not feel

to not know myself as deeply as I long to be known.

And discovered only that in knowing those feelings

the depth of my depravity-

only my truth

can fill the hole.

 

Author’s Reflection:

I feel like I’ve struggled with emotional overeating for most of my life. Food has become part of my soothing. It is something I turn to in order to calm down, to silence my anxiety. As the poem begins, there is this sense that my aliveness comes from these emotional sensations derived from food. Food is my pleasure and also my pain. Food is too much.

Recently I have learned just what a distraction overeating is for me. It distracts me from feeling faith with a Higher Power who is working things out. It distracts me from my true feelings, which keeps me from sharing them, rather, I push them down where they remain un-acknowledged. What am I really pushing down? Upon reflection, I think it is the belief that maybe I am too much.

I’m too much work. I’m too big. I’m a bother.

With these beliefs comes the idea that I am not worth love. I am not worth attention. I am not worth the effort. These have translated and manifested in me lacking my own self care.

I have been adding “lose weight”, in some form, to my goal list- whether new years, mid-year, mid-day, etc., for ever. I have lost weight and gained weight. I have eaten “the right foods” as well as not. I have read, I have listened, I have joined programs and support groups. Clearly, I have not been ready to release weight. But, I feel I get closer all the time. I get closer with every new awareness. Every time I let myself feel my feelings and inhabit my body, I get closer.

This year, I’d like to unlock more of what drives my addiction to food. I’d love to hear what strategies you have used to combat this cycle. How do you really, truly care for yourself rather than ask food to do it for you? Feel free to private message me your answer.

If you struggle with emotional overeating, I pray for you, and request the same. Let’s lift eachother up to create hope and connection for another day.

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2 thoughts on “Distraction, Poem by Kris Jordan”

  1. on the same journey. Multiple layers of emotional weights. So many. Cynthia posted your poem. I like it. Keep posting. I’ll review some of my hurdles and start sending them.

  2. My only stategy is to continue to discover the emotional beliefs that drive me dysfunctional relationship with food. As I unlock each one, examine it in all its nakedness, purge the emotion, recognize how that belief got stuck and how it can be removed and replaced with truth and move forward to the next.

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