(c) ‘Empty’ Poetry by Kris Jordan 2016
I put the ball in your court
let you choose
a friend or a lover
and you chose.
Lover in flesh only. Not in heart.
Partner in name only. Not in mind.
Present only. No future.
Until you were done with me.
Spun me around like a love sick dancer.
I deserved better. I deserved more.
You gave all you had to give. It wasn’t much, but I was willing to fill in the holes.
You didn’t want to be filled. Couldn’t hold what I had to give. I gave my all and you missed it. Every last drop.
Until it was gone.
you wanted more and I had nothing to give.
Sometimes I feel I have a bunch of love to give, and I tend to want to give it to those deemed ‘difficult’ or ‘hard to love’. It’s a joke. I don’t think there are people who are hard to love. I do think, however, there are people who just don’t want to let love in.
I think it is fear. I mean, that’s what it’s been for me- when I don’t want to accept a compliment, it is usually because I am afraid they will continue and give me overbearing unwanted attention. This is a fear from my past when I lacked boundries and couldn’t or didn’t say ‘no’ when I desperately wanted to.
When I don’t want to “put someone out”, that is fear. Fear they may reject me or not like me or call me names like “unaccommodating” or “selfish”. I can’t stand such names. If they saw my heart, they would say, “She is so tender. She is so sweet. She is so scared.” They would coddle me like I long to be. They would protect me and my vulnerability rather than attack. I would feel safe.
Feeling Empty is a Choice
So, what I’m learning all this then is that I must decide to be safe. I must decide to say no when I mean it. I must make choices that fill me rather than leave me empty. I must choose to not pour into someone who treats my wine like the water run off from a sieve full of boiled noodles.
The story in the poem shows that I allowed the other person to choose. I gave up my power to decide. I put the ball in their court, willing to go along, and that left me empty, alone, hurting.
The problem is, yes, that I let them choose, but also that I thought they would fill me with their choice. Silly me- I am not their problem to solve. I choose to be full or to be empty. I choose how to dance, not just allow myself to be spun around. This is the difference between a victim and not.
Yes, I am still learning.