Fear, Freaking the F Out, and Becoming Independent
Becoming independent has been my journey lately. This morning a simple Facebook meme had me emotional. It read: “Your independence comes from knowing who you are and being happy with that. You have to learn to trust yourself.”
What made me cry is that I have been working on independence, but never as much as when I bought a travel trailer, and a truck to pull it and hit the road on May 31, 2018. In the last 90 days, I have had to face my fears, and myself in entirely new ways. My fears and my mindset can’t be drown in busy work – I don’t have a job to report to. They can’t be silenced when I’m driving long stretches of road – they are ever present, echoing in the cavity between my ears as miles of pavement pass under me. These thoughts reveal the dark parts of me. I thought I was positive and happy, but my thoughts tell me otherwise. They’ve told me things like:
You can’t tow a trailer.
You don’t know a thing about auto mechanics- what are you going to do if you break down?
You can’t drive that far.
You don’t know what you are doing.
You can’t afford that.
You will be stuck. Alone. Abandoned.
Is this even safe?
Are you crazy?
What are you thinking?
You did what?
You can’t do this.
You need someone better than you here.
You can’t do this on your own.
You are not capable.
You are not enough.
My Own Worse Enemy?
It’s overwhelming. It’s like I am my own worse enemy. If the person in the car beside me said these things to me, I would find a way to take off at the next gas station and leave her behind. And, they are ALL lies! For 90 days (and more to come), I HAVE been enough, capable, doing it, knowing enough, learning what I didn’t know, unstuck, towing like a boss, asking for help when I need it, driving, making money (in fact I had one of my best months in August), and not stuck.
I’ve had someone tell me that my carburetor was cracked, but I was pretty sure the smoking was my brakes- because I could smell them. I was right and stopped riding my brakes. I was told my axel was bent, but I was pretty sure the ground was sloped- and I was right. I was told I had a gas leak- and they were right, but I was given a work around that was free, rather than a repair that was several hundred dollars. Everything has worked out. And the people I asked, two out of three times, didn’t know what I knew in my gut.
Did I freak the F out? Yes, I did. Apparently, I needed that burst of adrenaline that I am clearly addicted to. Let me explain:
I had the joy of ghostwriting for a Buddhist Monk and he shared with me that when we imagine bad things, we flood our systems with the fight or flight adrenaline. In fact, we do this so often, we become addicted to it, but we all do it and don’t even think about how sick it makes us. He equated it to having something happen and slamming a pitcher of vodka and our friends don’t see it as a problem, because they slammed one earlier in the day when they couldn’t find their car keys, or got angry in traffic.
Anyway, the point is that me freaking out, didn’t serve me. But that’s ok. It showed me 1. I know more than I think I do and 2. I like drama more than I want to admit.
So, to bring it back to independence, I’ve learned, it is about mindset. I can think and believe I am independent and capable or I can not. It’s my choice. And I found God seems to be conspiring to reinforce my belief, whatever it is. When I believe I am growing in independence, I am given experiences to give me proof. I am learning more about ME- what really makes me tick when I’m freaking out, like that at my core I don’t think I’m capable, and therefore want to be “saved”. I now know this about myself, and I didn’t before. I can now choose to feel capable, competent and successful in my endeavors, and that makes me happy, and in turn, causes me to trust myself more.
How are you growing in your relationship and understanding of yourself today?